This past weekend has been a very lazy one. Not much was done or taken care of, but a lot of really dumb tv was watched. Izzy and I sat on the couch and ... moped. I don't know if it is the combination of Jared being gone, hormones, and Andersen's arrival in the next few weeks, but I haven't been able to shake the "I am sad and lonely" feeling this weekend. Normally it comes and goes and I can easily push it to the side, but all of my worries and fears have continuously been swirling in my thoughts these last few days.
I know I am good with other people's children (because you can always give them back), but am I going to be a good mom? How will I know what Andersen wants when he cries? My fear of him being naked once we bring him home has been squashed because I went out and bought MORE CLOTHES for him to wear (both NB and 0-3) - I am HOPING he is a small guy because we are no giants! Do I have everything that he will need? Will he be happy? Am I going to be able to take care of him alone for the last few months before Jared comes home from deployment? Is Andersen going to like me or is he going to wish someone else was his mom? Will I even know I am in labor? I don't even know if I have had any contractions yet! Am I ready to be a mom? Will Izzy be nice to Andersen? I sure hope she doesn't teach him to eat his doodies! Will I be able to give him everything he needs in life? How will labor go?! I have a HUGE fear of the unknown and having Andersen leads to many unknowns. I am not sure I can handle so many open ended questions and situations looming in my future.
The longer I go with nothing to do, more questions are added to the worry and fear tornado swirling in my head. Please tell me I am not the only one that is feeling this way... or if I am, please lie to me and tell me I'm not!
2 comments:
Oh sweet Megan, you will be amazing and Andersen will be completely in love with you. I think you're so brave to do this the way you and Jared are. I understand how scary it is, I keep worrying that with the next appt they'll say something is wrong and we have to have the baby NOW and that I will resent her for some reason. Being scared is probably good for us. (let's hope)
Dear one, you are not the only one with worries and fears before parenthood! Goodness knows I'm on my second baby and still am terrified. :) Just remember, it's all a process of learning...just as you're learning how to be a mother (and, specifically, a mother to Andersen), HE will be learning how to be a little person in this world (a very different thing to be than a little person in the womb). Give yourself time, space, and grace to learn, process, experiment, and make mistakes. You will find your natural rhythm together. My good friend and mentor said something important to me once: YOU are the only one who can "do" her (meggie) the best way! This means that there is no other better parenting fit for Andersen than YOU and Jared. The three of you are going to make a fabulous team!!! Love you, Megan!
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